Tag Archives: flirting

File No. 7 Flirting When You’re Committed

7 Dec

You’re cozy in your relationship. You love him; he loves you. You probably share a house or a flat together, and you’ve gotten used to splitting food costs, gas bills and rent. You have a routine: he cooks; you put away dishes. He watches sports while you work on your jewelry making and you both take turns cleaning the bathroom. Everything seems to have fallen into place and before you fully realized, you’ve committed to living in an adult relationship. Suddenly, all those things you were afraid of taking on are a part of your normal life and you can’t imagine anything else.

So, why is it that when you see that tall coworker of yours poised near the copy machine, flashing his toothpaste ad smile you get weak at the knees? Why is it that when he comes over to ask you to help him with his latest project, your mind darts and you get a Sex and the City type scene of the two of your pressed up against the back wall in the break room? Why do you want to spend most of your work day talking with him?

Depending on who you ask, you’ll get a different response. Some people say flirting while committed is wrong. Others say its natural. Some partners will take offense and even suggest that flirting with someone other than them is cheating. Others will say that they are glad that you are still attracted to other people and that other people still find you attractive. Of course, with all the important and confusing points in life, there is no right or wrong answer.

As you know, we flirt for a million different reasons. Because we enjoy the attention. Because it’s our nature. Because he just looks damn good in those jeans. Whatever. I tend to have a flirty personality. I’m always creating quick intimacies, touching arms, leaning in … doing all those things relationship coaches tell guys to look for to tell if a girl’s interested in them. Sure, sometimes it’s because I am interested in them, but mostly it’s because that’s my personality. If I’m talking to you, I want to give you my full attention. Touching you, leaning in lets you know that I’m listening to you and focused on you and no one else.

I have discovered, this type of attention to men other than my SO can cause tension. Why? Are they not confident that I’m with them? In the quickest answer, no, they weren’t. It’s a bit … sad, really. Still, the fact of the matter is, to someone cheating can be as innocent as exchanging Facebook details. To others, it’s not cheating until there’s been intercourse. I’m somewhere in between, I think. Luckily, my current partner is as well. Even more lucky, he doesn’t get jealous if I strike up a conversation with a guy and he’s around.

I guess, you just have to assess. You have to say to your partner, “What is cheating to you?” and you have to work from there. This was my biggest problem with my last serious relationship before my current one. I didn’t know his boundaries and he didn’t know mine beforehand. So when either of us crossed them, the other person defensively started a fight. Not out of spite, but out of defense.

As a result, we both strayed and we both pushed each other into the red zone and ended up cheating on one another, by anyone’s definition of the word: he slept with someone else (on my birthday, the douche) and I allowed myself to make out and engage in heavy petting with someone else. His cheating happened because his boundaries for himself were non-existent. My cheating happened because when I needed him during a particularly tough time, he put me on the back burner to attend to someone else. (This, sadly, was common in our relationship and at the time, I didn’t think I deserved more.)

Long story short, you have to know what the other person views as cheating. You have to know what type of friendship they consider inappropriate and you have to decide for yourself if flirting while you’re in a committed relationship is okay or a big no-no.

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File No. 6: Top 10 Sex Positions We’re Most Thankful For

24 Nov

With America on the cusp of their biggest eating holiday of the year, we take a moment to reflect on some things we are truly thankful for. Of course, sex is always on the brain here at The Flirt Files HQ. To demonstrate that, we give you, the top 10 sexual positions we are the most thankful for:

10. Inverted Jockey

The Inverted Jockey position is a variation on the Cowboy with the giver leaning forward over the receiver. It is not a naturally occurring position, as the receiver has their legs closed while the giver sits astride their thighs. To get into the position, the receiver simply lies down on their back while their partner sits atop of them and leans forward on their arms. Although inserting can be a little difficult at first for the giver, the tightness of the opening can be rewarding for shallow penetration.

9. Inverted Missionary

The Inverted Missionary position is exactly what it sounds like, the Missionary position with the receiver on top and the giver underneath. Getting into the position is very easy; the giver just lies back on the bed and has the receiver lay on top of them. Variations in the positioning of the receiver’s upper body can also allow for kissing the body – shoulders, breasts or neck, so feel free to move around and experiment.

8. The Viennese Oyster

In the Viennese Oyster position the receiver lays on their back with their lower back and legs raised all the way up so that their ankles are crossed behind their own head. The exact end position will depend on the flexibility of the receiver. This position totally exposes the groin area to the giving partner who lays atop the receiver to perform. The giver moves up and down on the receiver to create friction. The giver needs to use their hands to support their own body weight so as not to crush the receiver.

This position requires considerable flexibility on the part of the receiver and it cannot be (fully) achieved by most, but it is wonderfully “naughty” due to the feeling of being totally exposed. Those less flexible might try getting into the position, but stop at the point where the position starts to become uncomfortable. The giver can also help those less flexible by using their hands to support the receiver’s thighs at mid-point.

7. Scissors

The Scissors position differs from the Intersextion position because all four legs are inter-crossed or scissored. This allows for a unique angle for penetration, but it comes at the partial expense of comfort. Many people don’t like this position because they find it awkward to position their legs without causing one of the partner’s legs irritation or pain, but it does have a solid following amongst those who can find the sweet spot.

6. The Upside Down Position

Stand facing each other. You jump up and wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. Let him penetrate; then, very slowly and carefully, let go so your body falls backward into a handstand position facing away from him. Your palms are now on the floor, and he supports you by holding your waist and bottom. Yes, you do need to be flexible, but it’s actually not as difficult as it sounds. (And you’ve got to admit, it looks damn impressive!)

Why you’ll love it:

It’s called inversion: his taking you head-down. Because the blood literally rushes to your head, it builds pressure in the veins of your face and neck, producing startling sensations that lead to an orgasm. Oh, and it’s great for improving your balance and giving your abs a workout. It sure beats the gym!

5. Victory

The Victory is basically the Missionary position but with the receiver’s legs extended out straight and forming a v-shape toward the ceiling. To get into the position, the receiver simply lies down on their back while their partner lies face-down on top of them. The receiver then extends the legs as shown.

4. The Butterfly

The Butterfly position is at the head of the butterfly family. Its great for the edge of the bed, couch, or just about any edge for that matter! To get into this position, the receiver lays back on just about any edge big enough and plants their feet on the floor, while the penetrating partner stands or kneels between their legs.

This position is very comfortable for both partners, though a pillow under the knees could be useful for a kneeling penetrator.

3. The Slide Position

He kneels on a hard surface in a praying position, keeping his back straight. You lie in front of him with your genitals facing his direction. He then lifts your legs up to his shoulders, so your weight is supported on your shoulders. Shifting his erection downward, he penetrates you. He holds you in position by wrapping his arms around your upper thighs.

Why you’ll love it:

The Slide is successful because it’s a position in which he can penetrate you shallowly. How terribly tactful is Mother Nature? — all of the vagina’s nerve endings are located within an inch or so of its entrance. The reason the technique works: He is able to focus on your supersensitive nerve endings with what also happens to be his most sensitive part — the head of his penis.

2. Elevated Missionary

You’ll never see missionary position the same way again. “While on your back, put a pillow under your butt, lift your hips, and bring your legs up and back toward your shoulders, as though you’re folding in half,” says Solot. This move allows him better ease of thrusting and deeper penetration — a perk for both of you. Plus, it can stimulate your G-spot. But consider this a warm-up — you’re getting the zone primed for a more intense orgasm. Once your G-spot feels sufficiently stroked, put your legs down and have him get into coital-alignment-technique (CAT) position. “He’s on top, but he lifts his pelvic bone upward, aligning it with your clitoris,” says sex therapist Gloria Brame, PhD. “Then he rocks against the area until you peak.” “The legs-up position is a slow burn that brings you to the brink and increases sensitivity. Then the addition of clitoral rubbing takes you over the edge in a bigger way than if you had done CAT alone,” adds Brame.

1. Doggy Style

The most traditional version of the Doggy Style position is straightforward; the receiver on all fours with their partner holding on to the receiver’s bottom or sides. Although Doggy Style is a huge hit with just about every guy, some women need time to open up to it due to the lack of face-to-face contact. That being said, once they do, they usually become big fans of it as well.

There are many direct variations of Doggy Style, some of the more common are:

  • Both partner’s standing
  • Lowering the receiver’s chest so that it is resting on the couch or bed
  • The receiver’s chest on the bed, but their knees on the floor

File No. 5: Vodka + Car = Blowjob

21 Nov

Bulgarian vodka manufacturers, Flirt, have rewritten a proven equation for disaster.
From the early days of D.A.R.E. , that 1980s program established to keep kids off drugs, to driver’s ed videos, the message that drinking + driving = death has been drilled into our heads.

This is the aftermath that we have come to expect from drinking and driving:

Apparently, in Russia, drinking and driving leads to:

Sure, sex sales. Sure, we love flirting. But this is a step too far.

Flirt has unleashed a number of sexually-suggestive ads that push the boundaries over the years. From knee condoms

that have been marketed to women who give blowjobs to raunchy public restroom sex with an angel keeping tally … .

Is this insinuation a little too extreme, though? If it were in any other place except a car would it still be effective?

File No. 4: Men Speak Out on Top 10 Worst Pickup Lines

20 Nov

Askmen.com, that great and insightful site into the male sex psyche has been known to unveil top 10 lists from time to time on an array of subjects that matter to men. True to style, AM posed a question to their readers to brandish them with the worst pickup lines they (or their friends) have ever used. The result? Well, just be glad you never came across these men in a bar.

As seen on askmen.com, 10 of the worst pickup lines ever:

1o.  Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.
Flirt Files Says: Really, men? This might have worked during the Space Race, but not today.

9. Your dad must be a terrorist because he made a bomb.
Flirt Files Says: Ha. You’ve gotta hand it to this guy, at least he’s apprised of current events …

8. If I was a fly, I’d land you first, because you’re the shit.
Flirt Files Says: Um, gee thanks. Top billing on the poo ranking scale is sure to get you laid. Fail.

7. Excuse me, could you give me directions … to your house?
Flirt Files Says: Americans are regarded in Europe for being forward. It’s one of the things that makes dating in the states differently from dating in Europe. But this, this is a bit too forward. Cute? Maybe if a drunk Frat boy said it.

6. Oh, excuse me, but I think you dropped something. (Then hand her a bit of paper with your number on it.)
Flirt Files Says: Poor effort. Don’t cop out! Flirt!

5. My penis just died. Can I bury it in your ass?
Flirt Files Says: Owee! This is only the halfway marker? How can they get any worse than this? We think this person’s penis died from non-use. He’s never gotten any using lines like that!

4. Hey you look really fun, I had to come talk to you?
Flirt Files Says: Fun? Fun?! Like a bouncehouse or a super soaker or an endearing clown with a notorious red nose? How does one look fun?

3. (After beckoning someone with the “come here” motion.) I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger.
Flirt Files Says: He obviously needs a lesson in fingering.

2. Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Flirt Files Says: Does this look like me calling the cops to you?

1. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t keep it in.
Flirt Files Says: Gross. Just gross. We know that everyone does it and we’re fine with everyone doing it, but just because it’s a natural bodily function does not mean you can use it to hit on me.  How many drinks has this guy had doused in his face?

File No. 2: Dating a Married Man

16 Nov

So you’ve fallen for a married man. Okay, maybe you haven’t, but you have a girlfriend who has. What’s that all about? People may not always be willing to admit it, but being in love with or even just having a relationship with a married man is complicated. You can’t just turn feelings off. You know that by now. That’s why it took you so long to get over the last jerk who broke your heart. If we could simply switch off our emotions and shut down, we’d be PCs, not people. Falling for and being in a relationship with a married man isn’t easy, but it could be a signal that you, or your BFF, needs to do some soul-searching.

What makes me the married man expert? Well, nothing; I’m by no means an expert, but I do have personal experience. The baggage, the stares of shock when I confessed to people that I was in fact in a happy relationship with someone who was committed to someone else. I also have the pain that resulted from my experience as TOW, the other woman.

Being a TOW carried with it a laundry list of stigmas and connotations. Typically, TOW’s are young and thin, vivacious, carefree and most often students or just beginning the corporate ladder ascent, et cetera et cetera. True, when I was a TOW I was a young, vivacious and carefree student. I was never thin. (Oh no, I hold it down for the curvaceous women with the hourglass shapes all over the world, baby.) Still, I became a TOW. Initiated into the club after becoming smitten with a fella who started off being just a friend. Thanks to movies and magazines my biggest relationship fear was calling up my married man and having his wife pick up the phone. By nature, I shy away from confrontation. In my worst nightmares, this woman would answer the phone and berate me with all manner of insult and abuse. Luckily, that was never the case.

It still took me a while to come to grips with being a TOW. As I mentioned, I was a student, doing my BA, actually and just exploring feminism and gender roles and such and wondering how I could look my fellow sisters in the eye and uphold notions of equality and sisterhood and solidarity when I was involved with someone who had promised to love honor, cherish and obey … someone else. I’m not sure I ever fully came to grips with it, to be honest. It took a lot of reassuring from him, though, that he was comfortable with us and that what we had was what he wanted. At that time in my life, that was enough of a reason to continue helping someone shit all over the marriage vows.

The one thing all my girlfriends (who knew about the situation) asked me was, “Is he going to leave her for you?” That’s the one question that everyone asks, and it’s the one thing that everyone says. With their index fingers pointing at you in accusation they all but spit it in your face, implying that you should end the relationship because he won’t be divorcing her and giving you a ring. It’s true, some men do end up leaving their wife to begin something official with their mistress. It doesn’t happen all the time, though, and it certainly didn’t happen in my situation. Which is good; I was never expecting that, neither did I want it. Women don’t date married men just because they think it’ll be an easy way for them to get married. From the beginning, he made it very clear that he wouldn’t leave his wife. Not that he didn’t love me but in his mind it would be abandonment of her and his kid. In my mind, the last thing I wanted was for him to leave his wife. If the two of them weren’t happy and as a result we were in a relationship, that’s fine. I could handle that. If he broke her heart and left her to be with me, I wouldn’t have been able to cope.

So, why was I okay sharing a man? Well, I wasn’t really; not toward the end. In the beginning, it worked out for us mainly because I didn’t really believe in monogamy. I couldn’t understand what would motivate two people to spend their entire lives together or to devote solely to each other. Running from these confusions and wanting to explore other alternatives, I began having open relationships. (Yes, during my relationship with the married guy, I was still seeing other guys.) Towards the end, it all became too much. I had begun to get jealous of the time he spent with his wife. They had gone on some type of romantic retreat and had basically fallen in love with each other. This jealousy and resentment helped fuel my need to get away for a bit. I left the country for half a year and fell in love with Michael. While abroad, I began to feel differently about relationships. Suddenly, an open relationship didn’t appeal to me and I just wanted it to be me and Michael. Of course, that was my prerogative. When I mentioned this to the married man, he didn’t take it too well. In fact, we stopped speaking for a while and he accused me of cheating on him and being insensitive. My relationship with Michael progressed and eventually, things tapered to an end with the married man.

We, the married guy and I, maintain a friendship that sometimes borders on being a flirtship. Things have really  been watered down over the last three years; he now respects my happy relationship and I respect that he’s rekindled love for his wife. Of course, we still flirt, but there are boundaries. We’ll never again have what he had and we’ll never have the opportunity to have an authentic relationship. If the chance arose; I wouldn’t take it.

For me, so many factors went into why I knowingly maintained a relationship with a married man. I know it was just a passing phase because of these things. While it was fun, easy living, I knew it was time to reevaluate when I began to get possessive and wanted it to be just the two of us. I knew he couldn’t commit to me alone from the beginning when he told me he’d never leave his wife. Since he wouldn’t go, and since I was fed up with sharing, I became the one to go. I’ll never do it again, not because of the potential for ruining a home, not for the stigma associated with being a TOW, but because, for me, it was a sign that I thought I was worthless. Now I know what I deserve and I have the confidence to demand it in my relationships and not to settle. Furthermore, I don’t want to think that I’m helping someone be dishonest to someone they promised to love and do right by.

For me, my morals mean more to me than arbitrary views of love and commitment. It doesn’t really matter what definition other people give commitment. For me, I will no longer be a part of someone being dishonest in a relationship or a marriage. I hope that if a guy I was married to was ever looking to have an affair the woman would be open and honest and send him home. I hope that she would understand that a commitment is a commitment and until it is officially broken, it should be honored.

I can’t go back and undo my relationship with my married guy. If I could tell the 18 year old me anything, it would be those words: a commitment is a commitment.

File No. 1: Wows and Woes of the Flirtatious Friendship

9 Nov

So I have this friend who is a boy.

Our friendship is brilliant–substantial and interesting, casual and intimate. We’ve never kissed,  never have been any more intimate than a hug, an occasional hand-holding and an inadvertent snuggle in his bed once, when I was having a really shit day. Our friendship means the world to me, it always has, but there was a while when it was touch-and-go. Not because we had fallen out, but because we had both secretly fallen for each other.

To use a dated analogy, he was Luke to my Lorelai. He was always there, always coming around to help me out with things. We’d even go on casual dates and it was clear that we were both harboring feelings for one another, although those words never escaped either of our lips. We flirted, mostly, and confessed that we loved one another without qualifying if we meant “in that way” or not. But, there were things holding us back. He’s celibate. I’m not. He wants to wait until he’s married and at the time when he and I were at the apex of flirtship, we were both doing undergraduate degrees. Marriage was nowhere in the cards. Still, the flirting persisted, to this day, although I’m in a stable, live-in relationship and completely content, we maintain an element of our flirtship. Of course, it’s not as heavy as it once was, but it’s still there.

These types of situations, for me, are the worst. You’ve found someone whom you completely click with. Whom you love being around, and who makes you a better person. There are the wows.

The woes? That age-old fear that initiating something more than a friendship will ruin what you have. There’s nothing worse than losing a friend to the pincers of failed love. Of course, there’s nothing to say that the two of you won’t have a happy relationship. There’s nothing to say you will, either.

It’s the worst type of catch twenty-two there is. What do you risk? If anything?

I’m not going to lie, our friendship is different. The dynamics have changed, as they should have. This guy, Andrew, and I have been friends since I was a freshmen in college. That’s five years ago. Two years into our friendship, it became a flirtship and about three years in, we were on the brink of needing to have “The Talk”. Except, I moved out of the country for a spell and during my stint away fell in love with my current partner. When I came back,  mine and Andrew’s flirtship was nearly dehydrated. He was so cautious about breaching my current love. He put up walls and was difficult and I knew and all my girlfriends knew why.

Things maybe would have been different if either of us had gotten the kahunas to say, “I love you, you idiot” and see what developed. But, for whatever reason, we didn’t. Are we better off? I’m not sure. I’m content, I’m ecstatic about my love life and I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else and I would never trade Michael for anyone. Still, one of the biggest woes is the nagging thought I have from time to time: What would have happened if … ?

Hey there, Gorgeous!

8 Nov

Welcome to The Flirt Files!

Here you will find true stories about dating, flirting and relationships! We plan to talk about everything — from the woes to the wows. No topic is off-limits as we strive to keep you up-to-date in the world of love, to inspire you and to answer your questions! Freshen up your lipstick, it’s time to flirt!