Tag Archives: relationship problems

File No. 8: When They Don’t Flirt With You

10 Dec

Maybe you’ve been there. You’re cleaning a room in the house and completely by accident stumble across something that belongs to him. A letter from another woman, pictures, whatever. Your heart sinks. Curiosity and blind rage drive you forward. You rifle, you discover more, pictures, letters, letters, pictures. Defeated, confused and angry you slump to the floor and sob.

When you finally lift yourself off of the floor you feel like someone is still keeping you down. You feel hurt and angry, embarrassed and annoyed, frustrated and confused. Very, very confused. He’s looking at porn too much. He’s getting too close to a friend or an ex. He’s giving you some sign or some reason to doubt his feelings.

Maybe this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Maybe you’ve been feeling like this for a while. You’ve mentioned it before. He nodded, rubbed your back, said he understood, but still he can’t give it up and before you know it, you’re sharing your house with more than just him. Now it’s every naked woman’s picture he keeps. Every magazine filled with women who look nothing like you. Women who he masturbates over, violating the delicate and precious intimacy that the two of you have for two-dimensional, glossy (and most commonly, fake) women that he’ll never get to see or touch in reality.

For whatever reason, he’s taken all of that. All that you give him, all the love, the fact that you take care of him and cook for him and clean and invest your emotions and your energy into your relationship … he’s taken all of that and he’s shit all over it. And it burns you up inside.

You find yourself constantly second guessing. Wondering, worrying. Feeling like shit because you know that he’s interested in someone else. You know that as soon as you leave the house, he settles in front of his computer, pictures and roll of tissue in hand and thinks about women other than yourself.

And you want to vomit. And you want to throw your hands in the air in frustration and end it all and make it all go away. But you love him. You really do and this is the only hiccup in your relationship. And, shouldn’t you be more accepting? Didn’t you come into the relationship knowing he looked at porn? Hadn’t the two of you looked at some together? Do you really have any right to be offended then?

How much do you take? What if you did something similar? What if your drawers and shelves were full of pictures and DVDs of naked men? What if you left evidence of masturbating? What if you made it crystal clear that there 3948203820 other men in the world who turned you on and made you feel as good as he did? Would you expect him to stay put? Would you expect him not to be hurt?

What is it that makes you keep your mouth shut?