Tag Archives: relationships

File No. 8: When They Don’t Flirt With You

10 Dec

Maybe you’ve been there. You’re cleaning a room in the house and completely by accident stumble across something that belongs to him. A letter from another woman, pictures, whatever. Your heart sinks. Curiosity and blind rage drive you forward. You rifle, you discover more, pictures, letters, letters, pictures. Defeated, confused and angry you slump to the floor and sob.

When you finally lift yourself off of the floor you feel like someone is still keeping you down. You feel hurt and angry, embarrassed and annoyed, frustrated and confused. Very, very confused. He’s looking at porn too much. He’s getting too close to a friend or an ex. He’s giving you some sign or some reason to doubt his feelings.

Maybe this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Maybe you’ve been feeling like this for a while. You’ve mentioned it before. He nodded, rubbed your back, said he understood, but still he can’t give it up and before you know it, you’re sharing your house with more than just him. Now it’s every naked woman’s picture he keeps. Every magazine filled with women who look nothing like you. Women who he masturbates over, violating the delicate and precious intimacy that the two of you have for two-dimensional, glossy (and most commonly, fake) women that he’ll never get to see or touch in reality.

For whatever reason, he’s taken all of that. All that you give him, all the love, the fact that you take care of him and cook for him and clean and invest your emotions and your energy into your relationship … he’s taken all of that and he’s shit all over it. And it burns you up inside.

You find yourself constantly second guessing. Wondering, worrying. Feeling like shit because you know that he’s interested in someone else. You know that as soon as you leave the house, he settles in front of his computer, pictures and roll of tissue in hand and thinks about women other than yourself.

And you want to vomit. And you want to throw your hands in the air in frustration and end it all and make it all go away. But you love him. You really do and this is the only hiccup in your relationship. And, shouldn’t you be more accepting? Didn’t you come into the relationship knowing he looked at porn? Hadn’t the two of you looked at some together? Do you really have any right to be offended then?

How much do you take? What if you did something similar? What if your drawers and shelves were full of pictures and DVDs of naked men? What if you left evidence of masturbating? What if you made it crystal clear that there 3948203820 other men in the world who turned you on and made you feel as good as he did? Would you expect him to stay put? Would you expect him not to be hurt?

What is it that makes you keep your mouth shut?

File No. 4: Men Speak Out on Top 10 Worst Pickup Lines

20 Nov

Askmen.com, that great and insightful site into the male sex psyche has been known to unveil top 10 lists from time to time on an array of subjects that matter to men. True to style, AM posed a question to their readers to brandish them with the worst pickup lines they (or their friends) have ever used. The result? Well, just be glad you never came across these men in a bar.

As seen on askmen.com, 10 of the worst pickup lines ever:

1o.  Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.
Flirt Files Says: Really, men? This might have worked during the Space Race, but not today.

9. Your dad must be a terrorist because he made a bomb.
Flirt Files Says: Ha. You’ve gotta hand it to this guy, at least he’s apprised of current events …

8. If I was a fly, I’d land you first, because you’re the shit.
Flirt Files Says: Um, gee thanks. Top billing on the poo ranking scale is sure to get you laid. Fail.

7. Excuse me, could you give me directions … to your house?
Flirt Files Says: Americans are regarded in Europe for being forward. It’s one of the things that makes dating in the states differently from dating in Europe. But this, this is a bit too forward. Cute? Maybe if a drunk Frat boy said it.

6. Oh, excuse me, but I think you dropped something. (Then hand her a bit of paper with your number on it.)
Flirt Files Says: Poor effort. Don’t cop out! Flirt!

5. My penis just died. Can I bury it in your ass?
Flirt Files Says: Owee! This is only the halfway marker? How can they get any worse than this? We think this person’s penis died from non-use. He’s never gotten any using lines like that!

4. Hey you look really fun, I had to come talk to you?
Flirt Files Says: Fun? Fun?! Like a bouncehouse or a super soaker or an endearing clown with a notorious red nose? How does one look fun?

3. (After beckoning someone with the “come here” motion.) I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger.
Flirt Files Says: He obviously needs a lesson in fingering.

2. Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Flirt Files Says: Does this look like me calling the cops to you?

1. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t keep it in.
Flirt Files Says: Gross. Just gross. We know that everyone does it and we’re fine with everyone doing it, but just because it’s a natural bodily function does not mean you can use it to hit on me.  How many drinks has this guy had doused in his face?

File No. 3: Masturbation Explanation

18 Nov

We all do it. Some of us started at an earlier age than others. Some of us like to talk about it, while others regard it as one of the most private acts a person could engage in. Personally, I enjoy masturbating in the company of my partner. Knowing that my pleasing myself turns him on always turns me on. When we’re not together I prefer to masturbate thinking about him or looking at some of our rather x-rated photos and videos. For me, masturbation is just a continuation of my sex life. It is centered around and focused on him because he is the only one I want. I find a lot of women feel this way.

You know who doesn’t feel this way? Men. For most of them, masturbating isn’t about perpetuating romantic feelings for their partners. It isn’t about remembering that last steamy encounter or even fantasizing about a new one. Masturbating is where they go to fantasize about whom they can’t have. It’s how they deal with the “you can look but you can’t touch” situations.

While I understand this, it still … bothers me sometimes. What bothers me is that it feels like as soon as I leave the house Michael and I share he jumps on his joystick and has a play. Fine, everybody needs their privacy, I get it. But seriously? Every time I leave the house? Naturally, this causes me to second guess my relationship, his wanting me and et cetera. He constantly reminds me that he does want me, that he’s happy with me. Still, I’m always left thinking: if you want me and only me, if you’re completely happy as you insinuate, why is there the need to jerk off to the picture of some woman you’ll never be able to touch?

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did because it would keep me from going crazy.

What’s your experience? How do you feel about your guy having a go?
Guys, how do you feel?

File No. 2: Dating a Married Man

16 Nov

So you’ve fallen for a married man. Okay, maybe you haven’t, but you have a girlfriend who has. What’s that all about? People may not always be willing to admit it, but being in love with or even just having a relationship with a married man is complicated. You can’t just turn feelings off. You know that by now. That’s why it took you so long to get over the last jerk who broke your heart. If we could simply switch off our emotions and shut down, we’d be PCs, not people. Falling for and being in a relationship with a married man isn’t easy, but it could be a signal that you, or your BFF, needs to do some soul-searching.

What makes me the married man expert? Well, nothing; I’m by no means an expert, but I do have personal experience. The baggage, the stares of shock when I confessed to people that I was in fact in a happy relationship with someone who was committed to someone else. I also have the pain that resulted from my experience as TOW, the other woman.

Being a TOW carried with it a laundry list of stigmas and connotations. Typically, TOW’s are young and thin, vivacious, carefree and most often students or just beginning the corporate ladder ascent, et cetera et cetera. True, when I was a TOW I was a young, vivacious and carefree student. I was never thin. (Oh no, I hold it down for the curvaceous women with the hourglass shapes all over the world, baby.) Still, I became a TOW. Initiated into the club after becoming smitten with a fella who started off being just a friend. Thanks to movies and magazines my biggest relationship fear was calling up my married man and having his wife pick up the phone. By nature, I shy away from confrontation. In my worst nightmares, this woman would answer the phone and berate me with all manner of insult and abuse. Luckily, that was never the case.

It still took me a while to come to grips with being a TOW. As I mentioned, I was a student, doing my BA, actually and just exploring feminism and gender roles and such and wondering how I could look my fellow sisters in the eye and uphold notions of equality and sisterhood and solidarity when I was involved with someone who had promised to love honor, cherish and obey … someone else. I’m not sure I ever fully came to grips with it, to be honest. It took a lot of reassuring from him, though, that he was comfortable with us and that what we had was what he wanted. At that time in my life, that was enough of a reason to continue helping someone shit all over the marriage vows.

The one thing all my girlfriends (who knew about the situation) asked me was, “Is he going to leave her for you?” That’s the one question that everyone asks, and it’s the one thing that everyone says. With their index fingers pointing at you in accusation they all but spit it in your face, implying that you should end the relationship because he won’t be divorcing her and giving you a ring. It’s true, some men do end up leaving their wife to begin something official with their mistress. It doesn’t happen all the time, though, and it certainly didn’t happen in my situation. Which is good; I was never expecting that, neither did I want it. Women don’t date married men just because they think it’ll be an easy way for them to get married. From the beginning, he made it very clear that he wouldn’t leave his wife. Not that he didn’t love me but in his mind it would be abandonment of her and his kid. In my mind, the last thing I wanted was for him to leave his wife. If the two of them weren’t happy and as a result we were in a relationship, that’s fine. I could handle that. If he broke her heart and left her to be with me, I wouldn’t have been able to cope.

So, why was I okay sharing a man? Well, I wasn’t really; not toward the end. In the beginning, it worked out for us mainly because I didn’t really believe in monogamy. I couldn’t understand what would motivate two people to spend their entire lives together or to devote solely to each other. Running from these confusions and wanting to explore other alternatives, I began having open relationships. (Yes, during my relationship with the married guy, I was still seeing other guys.) Towards the end, it all became too much. I had begun to get jealous of the time he spent with his wife. They had gone on some type of romantic retreat and had basically fallen in love with each other. This jealousy and resentment helped fuel my need to get away for a bit. I left the country for half a year and fell in love with Michael. While abroad, I began to feel differently about relationships. Suddenly, an open relationship didn’t appeal to me and I just wanted it to be me and Michael. Of course, that was my prerogative. When I mentioned this to the married man, he didn’t take it too well. In fact, we stopped speaking for a while and he accused me of cheating on him and being insensitive. My relationship with Michael progressed and eventually, things tapered to an end with the married man.

We, the married guy and I, maintain a friendship that sometimes borders on being a flirtship. Things have really  been watered down over the last three years; he now respects my happy relationship and I respect that he’s rekindled love for his wife. Of course, we still flirt, but there are boundaries. We’ll never again have what he had and we’ll never have the opportunity to have an authentic relationship. If the chance arose; I wouldn’t take it.

For me, so many factors went into why I knowingly maintained a relationship with a married man. I know it was just a passing phase because of these things. While it was fun, easy living, I knew it was time to reevaluate when I began to get possessive and wanted it to be just the two of us. I knew he couldn’t commit to me alone from the beginning when he told me he’d never leave his wife. Since he wouldn’t go, and since I was fed up with sharing, I became the one to go. I’ll never do it again, not because of the potential for ruining a home, not for the stigma associated with being a TOW, but because, for me, it was a sign that I thought I was worthless. Now I know what I deserve and I have the confidence to demand it in my relationships and not to settle. Furthermore, I don’t want to think that I’m helping someone be dishonest to someone they promised to love and do right by.

For me, my morals mean more to me than arbitrary views of love and commitment. It doesn’t really matter what definition other people give commitment. For me, I will no longer be a part of someone being dishonest in a relationship or a marriage. I hope that if a guy I was married to was ever looking to have an affair the woman would be open and honest and send him home. I hope that she would understand that a commitment is a commitment and until it is officially broken, it should be honored.

I can’t go back and undo my relationship with my married guy. If I could tell the 18 year old me anything, it would be those words: a commitment is a commitment.

Hey there, Gorgeous!

8 Nov

Welcome to The Flirt Files!

Here you will find true stories about dating, flirting and relationships! We plan to talk about everything — from the woes to the wows. No topic is off-limits as we strive to keep you up-to-date in the world of love, to inspire you and to answer your questions! Freshen up your lipstick, it’s time to flirt!